EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR IN MARRIAGE: THE INTRODUCTION

CAUSES OF MARITAL AFFAIRS

1. Husband disappointment due to wife dominated in marriage

Nowadays, almost women is more effective than the men. Such as in terms of jobs, status in social, can leads in the family and others. Some wife can earn a high salary with her high education than husband. Then, the wife have power to lead and control the situation in family. This situation can lead the husband feel self-esteem with his ability to handle family problems. Self-esteem is a quite difficult issues to cope the breaking in this relationship because wife is more dominant in home and her career.

2. The dull marriage

The dull marriage is one of causes that why people having a extramarital affair. The dull marriage is likes a young pretty lady married with a old man. Mostly the old man is a rich business man. In this case, the rich old man have many things want to cover in his business. The business man more take care about his business, so all the time he just leave his young pretty wife in house. The young wife will feel dull and boring in this marriage. The young wife want a happy and joyful in her social because her husband more care about business than her and he just leave her in house in almost time. The young wife will easier to have extramarital affair with a young man.

3. Lack sense of fun and excitement in the marriage

A happy marriage must have sense of fun and excite in the couple to overcome infidelity. Some couple will give a lot of fun and excite to others before getting marriage. But after marriage, the couple will feel boring to give excite to each other because they have a lot of work to do. So, they do not have free time to give a surprise to others. The couple will feel boring to back to home. They prefer to find excite in outside likes bar, disco, and party. Maybe they can find a lover in this social. So, extramarital affair will occurs.

4.Curiosity

No matter men or women feel curiosity about infidelity. We all are human, sometimes we were feel bored in a same things. We want to try a new, fresh, and excite things to make our life more meaningful. In case of marriage, if we always faced a same person, we will fell boring and no interesting. They have a high desire to find a lover at outside and built another family. The beginning of extramarital affair is come of curiosity about another lover is compare with this own couple.

5. Unrealistic expectations about marriage

Almost women have unrealistic expectations thinking before marriage. Women have a lot of unrealistic thinking about her partners. They hope his partner can give her what her needs. Often this expectations cannot live up a long relationship when marriage. Women will thinks about her perfect partner can give a satisfied life with their unrealistic expectations. When her partner cannot give all the expectation to his wife, the wife will feel disappointed to her husband and get a marital affairs

6. Lack of commitment

A successfully marriage must takes a hard work for a long time. Many individuals have a problem to give commitment to spouse in many kind of problem because the different of education and social. Lack of communication in marriage can force one of them to have a marital affair. It is better for couple to open and be honest to each other. Lie and cheat must avoid to happen if someone want to save a marriage.

source: http://psychological_counselling.suite101.com/article.cfm/reason_for_extramarital_affairs

adapted by mee chee ^o^

EFFECT OF EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIR

Extramarital affairs in marriages cause bitterness that are difficult to be forgiven.


DAMAGE SELF ESTEEM
Extramarital affairs injure married couples' self-esteem. One of them might ask themself, "Am I not adequate enough to fulfil his or her desire?".


DISTRUST
Extramarital affairs damage the trust between married couples. Lack of trust affects marriages.


SENSE OF INSTABILITY
Extramarital affairs shatter the sense of stability in marriages. Married couples would feel very insecure. They tend to be more protective, selfish and cold towards each other.


ROLLER-COASTER OF EMOTIONS
Extramarital affairs affects the emotion of married couples. The loss of trust and insecurity is bound to rock the marriage again and again. The bitter experience would be brought up everytime an argument occurs.


THE RIPPLE EFFECTS
Extra marital affairs can cause a ripple effects to married couples. The bitter experience would haunt them from time to time.


REMEDIES
There are a few tips to be considered to save a marriage after an extramarital affair.
1. Discuss the matter with your spouse
2. Bring in support groups such as friends and family members.
3. Seek professional advice from clergymen and counselors.



http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/infidelity/a/inf_effects.htm

PREPARED BY JC PUA

HOW TO RECOGNIZE SIGNS OF AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR

Many couples always think, how do I know that my spouse having an affair outside of the marriage? Did any signs show us that they are having an affair? How do we begin looking for different signs of cheating? What is innocent behavior and what is really a sign that something is going on? From many books and internet articles, we are not difficult to find out the above questions for answers, but at here, I am not trying to give any answers from the books or articles from the internet, I am now trying to give the answers according many real experiences from my clients. Their real experiences can really help us to analyse if our spouse having an affair outside, there are some signs can help us to decipher what to look for if we think our spouse if having an affair.

Signs of Cheating Man:

1. The sex frequency has changed! A cheating spouse may show lack of interest in sex because he is too tired, stressed and overworked. On the contrary, your partner may also shows more interest in sex, new positions, love techniques and asks your opinion about how he does, because he needs to try this all to his affair.

2. He needs times to company his affair, so he is started away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously. He always said he had overtimes, come back late.

3. He has unexplained scratches or bruises on his neck or back. His clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume, maybe having lipstick on his shirt. Normally, having scratches or lipstick on his neck or shirt is a planning action from the affair want to let the spouse know about their relationship.

4. He always walk away from you to answer a call. He uses a low voice on the phone or hangs up quickly when you are near by him.

5. He started will having some actions like begins to delete some incoming phone calls from the caller ID, spends an excessive amount of time on the computer or phone, especially after you have gone to bed.

6. Extramarital affairs usually involve gifts, he normally will buy gift or bring his affair for holidays, check of unaccounted expenses by going through the credit card or bank statements. Pay attention to dates close to holidays and Valentines Day.


Signs of Cheating Woman:

1. She fairly suddenly stops having sex with you, or the
sex drops off! A woman will almost feel it's no good to have sex with husband while she has an affair outside, because a woman always hope she only have sexual bond with the one she's love more, she's hopes to keep herself only unto her affair.

2. Her physical appearance and style has changed. She started like to dress up herself beautifully, spending a lot of moneys and times to change herself become more beauty.

3. She is started to buy a lot of new underwear and underclothes for herself.

4. She started likes staying alone, rejecting children come to disturb her. She seems less comfortable around her spouse and is "touchy", easily moved to anger.

5. At home, she always said nothing but sat there staring blankly and suddenly smiling alone by herself without any reasons.

6. She get calls where she hangs up when she hears her spouse's voice, or she get calls but she didn't pick up her calls when her spouse was with her.

7. She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

(Prepared by: Ng)

THE INTRODUCTION

This Blog is belong to 5 members... Annisa Kharmi, Mas Ayu, mee chee, Ng (majoring in psychology) and Pua Ja Che(majoring in social work)... We are taking Degree in National University of Malaysia, UKM..

In this new semester, we are required to create a blog about a topic that we choose and submit it so that everone in our class can leave some comment on it..For our blog, we decided to talk about the extramarital affair among marriage couple..

"I Wanted To Strangle My Husband Ray
When I Caught Him, Red-Handed In An Affair".

"I Felt So Devastated, Enraged and Humiliated.
I Never Dreamed I Could Save My Marriage,
Let Alone Trust Him Again..."

-Kathie Brown -Dr. Frank Gunzhurg.

When we read that phrase,we can feel the sadness that she faced and pray that it won't happen to us.But do we know what is extramarital affair really is and how it happen?And how can we cope with it if those things happen to us or people around us.. An extramarital affair is one of the most painful experience that couples face. Extramarital affair are relationship outside of marriage where an unacceptable sexual liaison or a romantic friendship occur between someone who is already married with another person..

(Prepared by: Annisa Kharm)

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN EMOTIOAL AFFAIR AND A PHYSICAL AFFAIR?

The traditonal definition of cheating is when one of the married couple commits a physical relationship with someone else other than his/her spouse.

In recent years, cheating has been reclassified to include not only the phycially affairs but also emotional affairs.An emotional affair is defined as any act of infidelity that occurs through feeling or thought.

With technological development of cell phones and the internet, the definition of cheating has been expanded to include feelings and/ or thoughts that comprise emotional infidelity. Cheating now includes having intimate correspondence with someone else other than his/her spouse on handphone or over the internet

Question:What is the diffrence between an emotional affairs and a physical affair?

The primary differences between physical and emotional affairs is actual physical contact.Usually, cheating involves people meeting face to face and then engage in physical intimacy.Many people who are cheating emotional do not consider it as infidelity.The end result is that he/she is be unfaithful to his/her spouse.He/she is paying more attention to someone else other than his/her spouse.

AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR CAN BE LEAD TO A PHYSICAL AFFAIR

Emotional affair begins with the exchange of personal information which leads to personal intimacy.Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating.However, the intimate nature of the communication is a prelude to infidelity.

THE DANGER OF EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS.

While it is healthy and normal for people to have friendship outside of marriage with men and women, an emotional affairs threaten the emotional bond between spouses.Friendship are based on atraction. When that atraction turns into an affair, it has the tendency to break emotional bond between married couple.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/emotionalaffairs/f/emotionalaffair.htm

PREPARED BY :JC PUA

6 STEPS TO REMEDY MARITAL INFIDELITY

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Overcoming your marital infidelity
takes time and energy.
These steps can be used as a guide to save marriages after an episode of extramarital affair. The steps could help married couples to restore trust and build a better marriage. Saving a marriage after an act of infidelity takes courage, hard work and honesty.

----------------------------------------------

Emotional affairs, multiple affairs and one-nightstand are types of extramarital affairs. Here are the six steps to save your marriage after cheating on your partner.

1) APOLOGIZE

Apologizing for betraying your spouse is a simple, powerful way to start overcoming infidelity. You are in pain, and so is your partner. You may feel defensive, scared and confused but a sincere apology without excuses or rationales is the first step in saving your marriage after infidelity. No matter how unstable your marriage was before you betrayed your spouse, admit that you were responsible, and that you were wrong to have your emotional affair, one-night stand or multiple affairs.

2) LISTEN

No matter how bad it make you feel, let your partner share feeling of betrayal, pain, disgust, rage, or frustration. Listen intently, until your partner is finished talking. Put your feelings of guilt, remorse, or pain aside. Overcoming marital infidelity involves emotional sacrifice and painful, vulnerable communication. If you want to save your marriage, you need to work to built a better relationship.

3) DISCUSS THE AFFAIR

Your spouse deserves answers. So, you need to give the answers. Do not avoid settling the problem. Share some details of how and why you betrayed your spouse. Discuss the affair in terms of how it comes about and how you and your spouse can ensure that it will not happen again. To overcome marital infidelity, talk about a plan to protect yourselves from another affair.

4) CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE

After you have cheated on your partner, you are no longer free to follow your old patterns. Accepting new limits and boundaries. For example: avoid any intimate relationship with the opposite sex will go far in overcoming marital infidelity. Regain your spouse's trust by being open to reasonable requests regarding boundaries and behaviour. You can find someone that you can trust to give their opinion. For example, marriage counseling will help both of you to see what is reasonable. They have a lot of experience in marriage problems and remedies that would help you save your marriage.

5) TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFESTYLE CHANGES

Change your lifestyle to be true to your spouse and avoid future marital infidelity. Ask for your spouse opinion about the changes that you intend to do.

6) ACCEPT A LONG PERIOD OF HEALING

After you have betrayed your spouse, it will take longer than a few weeks to heal! Your partner will probably watch you closely for at least a year after the affair. It will take awhile to accept everyday occurrences, such as being late for dinner or sudden change in your daily routines.

Read more at Suite101: Overcoming Infidelity and Rebuilding Trust: How to Save Your Marriage After Cheating on Your Partner http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/after_youve_betrayed_your_spouse#ixzz0jCfHVAqs

(adapted by: Mas Ayu)

TYPES OF AFFAIRS

There are many types of extramarital relationships.While all of them are terrible betrayals of trust and love between the couple, they directly affects the chances for survival of the marriages.

Extramarital affairs are based on romantism, morality, mythology, and intense emotions. It is not really about sex, but about pain and fear and the desire to feel alive. It is also about betrayal.

Extramarital affairs need not necessarily wreck marriages or result in divorces. Your relationship will in fact be a lot stronger If you could overcome this problem, your marriage would be stronger.This is because during the course of an affair, you will be able to learn a lot of problems in your relationship. It will urge you and your spouse to find slotuion to the problems. Before you decide on what to do after an act of infidelity, you need to know what it means and what are the types of extramarital affairs.

The first kind of affair is called "ONE NIGHT STAND". This mostly happens unintentional and may not necessarilly be a sexual affair at all. It happens when one person feels ignored in the relationship and during that time needs to be away from the most survivable of all the extra-marital affairs.

The next kind of affair is known as "EMOTIONAL OUTBREAK AFFAIR".This generally happens when the marriage is experiencing problems and the during those times one partner turns towards a friend or companion of the opposite sex for emotional help and comfort.Rather than rocking the marriage by revealing feelings, he thinks you may not like, you add a third person to diffuse the intensity.Though this starts with friendship, it might lead to sexual dimensions.Surprisingly, this kind of affair is still survivable because he/she still love his/her spouse and wants the marriage to work.

The third kind of affair is known as "EMOTIONAL-SEXUAL AFFAIRS". This kind of affair causes lot of heart break and problems.It is an act of being unfaithful to one's spouse. There is a slim chance of reunion. Thus, in this case a relationship is all but over.One of the married couple has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justificaiton.

The next kind of affair is known as "SEXUAL ADDICTION AFFAIR". Sexual Addicts use sex over and over again to numb inner pain and emptiness, much like alcoholic use alcohol. Among married people, men are sexual addicts more often than women. It is due to boredom, lack of communication, sexual experienmentation and to combat a sense of loss that can come with aging and depression. Thus, there can be a number of reasons for extra-marital affairs.What is more important is to know what has gone wrong in your marriage and what you can do to undo it. Your co-operation and efforts is what will save your marriage.

http://www.seasonsindia.com/marriage/kindofaffairs_sea.htm

(Prepared by: JC PUA)

THE DEFINITON OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR.

According to Wikipedia Encyclopedia, the definition of Extramarital Affair are relationships outside of marriage where an illicit romantic or sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment occur.

An extramarital affair that continues in one form or another for years, even as one of the partners to that affair passes through marriage, divorce and remarriage, could be considered the primary relationship and the marriages secondary to it.

Beside this, according to counselor Janis Abrahams Spring, author of "After the Affair", the definition of extramarital affair is: Infidelity, Adultery and Extramarital sex, it is relating to sexual intercourse with someone other than one's spouse, or involving a married person and another person who is not their marriage partner.

By the way, according Dr Reena Sommer, author of "The Anatomy of an Affair", she had defined extramarital affair has broadened to include the emotional connections that develop between two people outside of a marriage. Extramarital affair has been reclassified to include not only the physically affair but, also the emotional affair. The "emotional affair" is becoming more common among people who feel a sense of emptiness and lack of fulfillment in their current relationship or marriage.

As a conclusion by our group, we are agree the above definitions about exrtramarital affair, and we are more consider to accept extramarital affair has broadened to include the emotional connections develop between two people outside of a marriage. We believed that intense emotional bonding has always been a part of extramarital love affairs. An extramarital affairs always start with emotional connection and bonding before having a physical affair. An emotional affair can be lead to a physical affair. If our emotional involved and bonding with someone other than our spouse, and our spouse is not longer the first important person in any personal relationship in our life this is mean we are actually having an extramarital love affair.


Below are some questions prepared by our group members to help us assess ourselves, did we started having connect with someone emotionally than physically? Always to be remember, an emotional affair can be lead to a physical affair, emotional cheating is consider to be infidelity, the end of a result of an extramarital affair definition is paying more attention to someone other than their marriage partner, although there is no actual physical contact, it is still considered cheating and affair.


Question to Assess yourself:
1. Did you always sharing your feeling to someone other than your spouse?

2. Did you always care about someone how is he/she assessing you other than your spouse?

3. Did you always care about someone advisory other than your spouse?

4. Did you always show your caring to someone other than your spouse?

5. Did you always looking to meet or hear from someone other than your spouse?

6. Did you always spending as much time to someone other than your spouse?


If you are having five of the situations from the above questions, you are considered cheating or having affair. We are advise you to look for a counselor in your marriage.



(Prepared by: Annisa Kharmi and NG)